Feet of Clay_An Urban Fantasy Novel Read online

  “Sounds bad, Jerry,” the guard shrugged. “But you won’t solve that out here. You better get in there and get that artifact out, or Lambert will have your head.”

  Well, at least he was buying it so far, but this was not going where I needed it to. Problem was, one slip and these guys would probably fill me full of lead and take la Corazon at their leisure, leaving behind one very dead Frank Butcher. I needed a plan, and I needed it right the hell now.

  Mr. Friendly was starting to look suspicious, and I had to fight the urge to wipe the sweat that was growing behind the mask and goggles. Thankfully, inspiration struck. Gabriela was my ticket out of this problem! “You couldn’t be more wrong. I am on my way to get the information to solve this problem. There’s only one physician with any experience with the Bearer. Have they moved Dr. Perez yet?” Yeah, that sounded totally casual and not at all like I was fishing for information.

  Lady Luck, who usually spent her time screwing me over, decided to cut me a break as the talkiest security guard ever decided to spill. “Smart thinking. The Elders are showing a bit of mercy on her so they moved her up from the dungeon into the guest suites. I think the one on the right up the stairs?” He shrugged casually, like we were simply having a water cooler chat.

  I nodded, trying to think casual despite the goofy get-up and cloying herbal face mask. “Thanks, man.” Hoping I wasn’t being TOO casual, I clapped my new-old buddy on the shoulder and strode purposefully down the hall.

  “Spirits watch you, bud. Elder Lambert’s a bit restless to get the heart,” he called after me. “If I were you, I’d make it quick.”

  “Oh don’t worry, one way or another, he’s going to get it,” I said as I made my way to toward the stairs. Hopefully, they were the right stairs. I wasn’t going to risk blowing my tenuous cover by asking for more directions.

  The staircase was a big, winding thing, right out of any fantasy movie’s castle tower scene. It soared into the sky and plunged into the depths below. Fighting the temptation to find a sword and start playing Errol Flynn, I made my way up, the walls still slick and dripping.

  After what felt like forever, I saw a thin slit of a window up ahead. Since the stairs were empty, and I was pretty sure I would hear someone walking on them from a mile away due to the echoing stone, I decided to take a second to satisfy my curiosity.

  The window was barely wider than my spread hand, but it was more than big enough for me to gawk at the landscape that stretched outward from whatever castle or fortress we were in. At first glance, it looked like some kind of arctic wonderland, and judging by the bitter cold wafting in through the window it would be more than enough to turn me into a popsicle if I ventured outside.

  The stark majesty of the view led me to believe we had been taken to the North Pole, but that was blown out of the water when the clouds parted, revealing two suns burning lazily in the sky.

  That wasn’t all! The hazy light set off an explosion of rainbow colors that refracted off the ground. At first I thought it was simply white snow that covered every inch of the earth. But no, it wasn’t snow covering the earth, but a blanket of faceted, glittering crystals!

  What I had thought were snow-covered hills and rising mountains were actually crystalline structures. No wonder the windows were so small. If someone were caught in a torrent of those little crystals, it wouldn’t be pretty. It would be like a sandstorm on steroids, bringing visions of flayed bodies to mind!

  I wasn’t in Kansas anymore. That was for fucking certain.

  My beak nose thrust another bunch of overwhelming scents up my nostrils as I shook my head in dismay. I wasn’t sure where the fuck we were, but I was betting Gabriela would. I just needed to find her.

  I forced myself to look away from the Crystal Kingdom and began climbing the stairs. My desire to freak the fuck out amplified like crazy (shit, who wouldn’t when faced with the prospect of being locked-up in a strange place, let alone an entirely new planet or universe or pocket dimension or whatever-the-fuck?) but that wouldn’t help two bits.

  Trying to keep the panic confined beneath a blanket of logic, I spurred myself on. The Doc could get us out of this, or at least that’s what I told myself as I got to the next landing of the castle and stared up at the stairwell spiraling up into seeming infinity.

  While the stone walls here were still slick, this floor was a lot nicer than the surgery dungeon. A plush white carpet filled most of the hallway floor, stopping a few inches from the walls, probably to avoid getting sopping wet. Even the tapestries were a lot nicer than the ones below, and the doors were painted a glossy white with gold highlights, real gold from the glint of it. In one flight of stairs, I had stepped from the dungeon into the goddamned Magic Kingdom itself.

  This particular hallway was connected to plenty others, all branching off to my right. They stretched a good hundred yards before turning off in that same direction. The halls were fairly quiet, but I thought I heard some receding footsteps from the closest hallway.

  If they were leaving, they weren’t my problem. Despite the plethora of doors to choose from (sorry, Let’s Make a Deal, these guys had you beat!), my choice was obvious, even if I didn’t already have an idea of where to go. See, there were a lot fewer guards up here, probably because there wasn’t supposed to be dangerous prisoners up here. In fact, there was only one guard and if I was a betting man, I’d put my money on Gabriela being behind the door behind him.

  You know, there’s an important fact to keep in mind if you ever have to play Secret Squirrel sneaking through a mystical cult’s extra-dimensional fortress (a phrase I’m still trying to digest). See, people, at least those that aren’t crazy paranoid, tend to relax when they think they’re safe. Even if it's their job to be a hard ass, the hardest of the hard tends to let his guard down when no one’s around. This guard was doing just that.

  He was dressed a bit fancier than the ones in the dungeon, with a white-and-gold tabard over his armor. It had a symbol I recognized immediately because it matched the sigil that had been on Abner’s necklace when he’d showed it to us at the Pendleton Building back on Earth.

  The guy was leaning on a spear, head down, either asleep or off in his own daydreams. In other words, he was pulling a Frank Butcher, well, the old Frank Butcher anyway. Okay, I still have my moments, but I’m getting better.

  Taking a deep, steadying breath, I walked up to Mr. Lazy as if I owned the place. With these big, open halls, the noise I’d make if I didn’t take this guy out fast would be like ringing the dinner bell and that would be a big-time game over. The guard stayed in La-La Land right up until I was in clear violation of his personal space, which was a bit of a surprise. I gingerly reached forward, my index finger outstretched, to poke him in the shoulder.

  That little bit of a push was the straw that broke the camel’s back or, in this case, knocked the sleeping guard off of his precarious point of balance on his spear. Unlike most sleeping people who were just cow-tipped, this guy didn’t wake up. As he started to tumble to the floor, I realized the sound of his armor crashing against the floor would be, to put it mildly, pretty fucking loud. I lunged to make the save, managing to get my mitts on the lug, only to realize that, well, a full-coat of chainmail weighs a lot.

  What started as an attempted save turned into a full-on collapse. Hoping to save my skin at the cost of my dignity, I turned and pulled as we fell. I hit first, half on my back and half on my side, moments before Captain Naptime fell right on my chest.

  My body made a fine enough cushion, keeping the crash of metal down to a meaty thump, but it hurt like a bitch. I bit back the grunt of pain that threatened to come out, while the beefy guard in full armor remained snoring on top of me. Gathering myself, I started to grunt and push at him, trying to get myself free of his dead weight before someone showed up and called some competent guards to assist me back to ye old surgeon of doom.

  That said, one thing was bugging me. Why was this asshole still asleep?

  I
got my answer as footsteps hurried over from the closest hallway.

  “Frank,” Dr. Gabriela Perez whispered harshly as she stood over me. “Do you have any idea how long it took me to prop him up like that?”

  3

  I tore the smelly beak mask and goggles off my face as I got to my feet, before throwing my arms around the doc. “Goddamn, am I glad to see you!”

  Right, it wasn’t a smart move or a cool one, but damned if it wasn’t heartfelt.

  “Frank, I –” The doc relaxed for a split-second before tensing up. “This really isn’t the best time, and spirits above, they probably heard you yelling.”

  Yeah, like I said, it hadn’t been a smart move. I pulled back and tried to get my shit together, but it wasn’t the easiest task once I got a good eyeful. Dr. Gabriela Perez and I had been through quite a lot over the past weeks, and I had always had a sweet spot for her, even when she was just the pretty face at one end of my delivery route. Back then, well, I was no idiot. I had known she was way out of my league, but things were different now. Going through several life-and-death situations had a way of bringing people together, ya know?

  The doc was no worse for wear, thankfully. Her hair was a bit frazzled and her doctor’s coat was a bit rumpled, but those sharp green eyes were as focused as ever. Thankfully, there wasn’t so much as a bruise on her dusky skin. If there was, I’m not sure what I’d have done, but let’s just say, I’m not known for making the best decisions.

  Her former colleagues turned captors must have provided the white-and-gold Renaissance-style dress she wore under the coat. Now that dress showed some damage, but it was obviously self-inflicted because the long skirt had been hacked into something a bit easier to run and move around in. Very practical, Gabriela was, and hey, if it showed off her legs, I wasn’t going to complain.

  “Right, sorry,” I couldn’t conceal my grin, “just happy to be alive.”

  “You’re just lucky I’m not a snitch,” Gabby bit her lip and nodded at me as a far-off look filled her eyes for a second. I wasn’t sure what had happened to her, but the thought of them messing with Gabby probably would have turned me into a green, hulking monster if I’d ever been exposed to gamma radiation. “Roland has already put me through the ringer about the heart and how to remove it.” Ah, good old Roland Lambert, the big wig of the White Alliance and the asshole behind our latest troubles. While I had never had the pleasure of meeting him in person, I really wanted to rectify that now. She must have seen the look on my face because before I could say anything, she put a finger to her lips. “If we don’t stay quiet, we’ve got zero chance of getting out of here.”

  I perked an ear. I couldn’t hear anyone coming to find us. Sleeping Beauty was still snoring, probably courtesy of the doc’s magic. We had a moment to get the important questions out of the way.

  “What about Max?” Max was Gabby’s son, the only bit of family she had left after the Enders, the assholes who had tried to destroy all magic, had murdered her husband. After helping us rescue Max from said assholes, the White had nabbed him to use as a MacGuffin in their own magical rituals. A bunch of devious, under-handed bastards, they were.

  Gabriela had turned to lead the way, but before she’d taken more than a couple steps, my question stopped her dead in her tracks. “He isn’t here.” There was a crack in her voice. She was as mentally tough as anyone I knew but losing a son twice in as many weeks was enough to mess with anyone’s head.

  My jaw clenched. Yeah, me and Rollie were going to have a lot to talk about.

  “We’ll get him, Doc. You lead the way, and I’ll figure out another brilliant plan.” We had no resources outside of our own wits, la Corazon, and the pistol I snatched out of Naptime’s holster, and no friends to count on. Par for the course.

  As much as I’d have liked some backup or an Abrams tank, we didn’t have time. We would find a way out and save Max from whatever ritual Roland had cooked up or, well, the other option wasn’t really palatable.

  Gabriela squinted back at me as though mulling over my words and nodded. There wasn’t a need for words at this point. She took a quick glance down the expansive corridors and started moving down the nearest hall leading into the depths of Wherever-The-Hell Castle.

  We moved fast, keeping low and to the shadows as best as we could. I had a million questions, like “why there were so few people here?” and “where the fuck were we?”. It seemed like we had to be trapped in another universe or dimension or some shit, but given that I had fuck all for experience with magic, I couldn’t be sure.

  The White were all about bringing magic full-bore into the modern world, so it made sense that they had a hard-on for all the other places in our great big universe. Maybe this was some type of secluded facility that didn’t need a lot of people? Maybe the White had most of their wizards and warlocks back on Earth, already working on its own version of the Ender’s big juju? Somehow, I figured that might be the case, but I really hoped it wasn’t. Yeah, naive, I know.

  I don’t know how Gabby could tell anything apart in the maze-like corridors. Even the various tapestries started to look like one giant muddled mass of fantasy scenes that would make Frazetta proud. As we loped up to another crossroads of hallways, I put a hand on Gabby’s shoulder.

  “I know I said you should lead the way, but my mighty plan-maker needs some info to figure this out,” I whispered, tapping my temple with one finger. “Where are we going and where exactly are we?”

  The doc looked over her shoulder, and the flash of annoyance in her eyes was obvious. “The stables is the going part and the White outpost in Structured is the, uh, other where.”

  “The stables? Don’t tell me we have to go out into all that diamond dust out there. And Structured sounds like a snotty men’s clothing store in a mall, which this obviously isn’t. I winced at the thought of the skin-flaying windburn we’d get while riding horseback. I mean, I didn’t even like horses, and not just because that one threw me off when I was a kid, nor because one bit me when I tried to feed it an apple. No, it was because I’d missed the start of Return of the King in theaters because a stupid horse had pooped in front of me during an APD parade, and I had walked through it because I’d been carrying so many boxes.

  She turned on her heels and rubbed her temples. “We really don’t have time, Frank, but–”

  “You’re going to tell me anyway because you can’t let a chance to be academic pass by.” I flashed a smirk. I really shouldn’t have been fucking off like this, considering we were stuck in potentially mortal danger, but the lack of guards was starting to make me slack off. Not that I had been super worried about them to begin with. Frankly any magic these guys would try to use on me wouldn’t do a thing. I had a gun, I had the heart, I was ready.

  Gabriela pointed at me for a moment before she relented, refusing to acknowledge my snark directly. “Simply put, Structured is the name we attached to this dimension. It’s very close to the realms of absolute order, and the physical make-up of the world reflects that. All native matter is formed from rigid, crystalline structures, with a preponderance of diamond.”

  “So Structured is a girl’s best friend?” At least my first suspicions that we were in an alternate dimension were correct, as much as I’d hoped they weren’t. I’d rather have been tripping balls when I looked outside than actually be in a strange, alien world.

  “Not really, except for the plane of Order, there’s always a little chaos, a little movement. The erosion of the mountains is part of the little force of entropy left here” - she turned back towards the hall – “which is why we need to get to the stables. We need safe transportation.”

  As she crept forward, I kept up, still whispering, “And why exactly do we need to venture into Diamondland? Isn’t there a way back home here?”

  Gabby stopped again, this time with the slightest hint of a stomp. Turning with a huff, she answered, “No, Frank, there isn’t. Don’t you think if I knew a way for us to get around the
scouring crystal winds that can strip a man down to his bones in minutes, I would lead us THAT way?”

  “Well, excuse me, Doc, I’m still kind of a noob about alternate dimensions, despite my extensive Star Trek and Stargate knowledge. Oh, yeah, and I woke up drugged on a stone slab waiting to be organ harvested so maybe, just maybe, I’m still wrapping my head around that too.” I glared at her.

  Well, that did it. Her hard eyes softened as Gabriela rubbed them with one balled up fist. “I’m sorry, Frank. I just … I can’t believe we’re going through this again.” She sighed and looked up at me. “I thought we were done with this, that we could get back to our lives and everything would be okay.”

  “Don’t sweat it. I kind of deserve it.” While it had been a bit dumb for me to stop us in the first place, it also wasn’t real bright to make this the time for a heart-to-heart, especially because I couldn’t deny the urge to want to comfort her. I put my hands on her shoulders, a gesture she didn’t flinch away from. “We’ll get out of this and get Max and … well … I guess get waaaay the fuck away from the White. No problem, right?” I gave her my best cocky smirk (a wee bit of an exaggeration, to be quite honest). “After all, we saved the world and beat the Enders. This can’t be that hard, huh?”

  Gabriela matched my smirk with one of her own. “Right, it should be a piece of cake.” She put a hand over one of mine and smiled. It was perfect … if you discounted the fact we were still within a magical fortress in the middle of a crazy world filled with diamond-dust storms. Totally perfect!

  It didn’t change that we were on the verge of another “moment.” You know, when you know you’ve run into that special someone and she or he or whatever knows the same thing and you’re on the verge of a kiss. La Corazon thumped hard against my ribcage as I stepped closer. I had left my flowers scattered on the floor of the doc’s office, but I didn’t need them now. She matched my step and it looked like this was actually going to happen, a scene plucked right out of a cheesy romance movie.